Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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