She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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