Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
