turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
