hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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