I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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