My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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