Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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