he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
