Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Randomize
