I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
