Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
