Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Randomize
