And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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