I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
