she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
