I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm too high and old for this...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
