This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
