Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
