My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
