Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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