The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
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