omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
