I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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