if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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