So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
