I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
