My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
