my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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