Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
