how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
