if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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