You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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