I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
