Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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