I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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