just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
