I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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