Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
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