Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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