no, he came in my armpit
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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