3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
