It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
