Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
