You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
high people should be assigned attendants
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
