I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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