That's when you crack a 10am beer
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
