I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
