I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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