I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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