I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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