Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
